Reader Question: HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S THE ONE?

I welcome all questions and ideas from my readers and I do vow to answer questions from my readers at least once or twice a month. Feel free to post questions or topics of interest in the comment section or email them to theblackbonanza@gmail.com. This month's question was "How Do You Know He's The One?" Basically, how do you know when you've met the man for you and you're in for the long haul, a forever kind of love, marriage.

Real Life

I think knowing when we've met the right man is much simpler for us as women than we truly think it is. Although each woman is unique with her own personality, likes, dislikes, and beliefs there are some core things to look for in a man once you've fallen in love and think he's your future husband. I'll take a page from Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man -book- (not the movie), but in my own words. If you haven't read it I suggest you do, especially if you're a single woman. I'd make sure all 3 P's are there, just as I noticed they were with my husband. What are the 3 P's? A sure fire way to know if a man honestly loves you and is serious about you because if he does and he's the one, he'll do all three of theses things:

• Profess:  He will not only tell you that he loves you and how he feels about you it will be known to those around him as well and you will have a "Title", you won't just be introduced by name as if you were a stranger or just as a friend. He will tell his family and friends about you, he'll have no qualms about letting other people know that you are his woman and he loves you, he'll be proud to voice his affections for you to the world.

• Provide:  This one is quite self explanatory any man who loves you won't be selfish with his coins or secretive about his money either. He'll be ready and willing to provide you with any financial help you need within his means and sometimes even beyond them if he can manage to do so. For example my husband before we were even engaged and had only been together for about four months took almost his entire income tax check and purchased a car for me because mine was unable to be fixed in anyway. Without thought he simply said "I'm going to buy you a car, don't worry about anything". Two days later I had a car, the money to transfer the tag and the insurance to it, I won't pretend to be glamorous it's a nice practical Toyota, but I appreciate it and him for getting it because I simply didn't have the funds. He looked like superman to me at that point.

• Protect: If he's the one he will protect you both physically and verbally against anyone and I do mean anyone who tries to harm, threaten you, or sully your name.

Beyond The 3 P's: Lola's Laws

Beyond the 3 P's there are four personal points that I looked for even in my own husband to let me know if he was "the one":

1. God: I believe in order to have a relationship with any man that will stand the test of time that man must have his own personal relationship with God. He may not be an angel, but whether he's Muslim, Jewish, Catholic etc he must have a connection with his creator, as should you as well. I would not even consider dating a man who is an atheist, satanist, or agnostic. Though none of us are perfect I believe spirituality and religion give us a certain moral compass and respect for values such as loyalty, trust, and honesty. Not to say that someone who believes in God can't be unfaithful in a relationship, but I do believe it helps more than it hurts for a person to have a sense of religion and spirituality.
2. A Man of His Word: What do I mean by "a man of his word"? If a man is "the one" he will follow through on whatever he tells you from big things to small things. For example if he tells you he's going to call you back he will, without excuse. If a man tells you he's taking you out on a date, he won't stand you up or carelessly cancel your plans together, he'll simply keep his word and you'll be able to trust him when he tells you things because he follows through, he keeps his word.
3. Mama Knows Best: Does he love his mother and treat her with respect? How a man treats his mother and the relationship he has with her is normally a precursor to the way he will treat you.
4. He Loves You More: As women we often find ourselves in relationships wherein we feel that we love someone more than they love us and that the amount of effort being put into the relationship mostly rests on our shoulders even though that's not how we'd want it. I know I've ended up there in the past, being in love alone, giving without much reciprocation besides a weightless "I love you". One day my father said to me (he calls me Christina), he said "Christina, when you get married be sure to marry a man who loves you more than you love him." ....I thought to myself that sounds ridiculous! Why would I want to marry a man who I don't deeply love? That's insane! Wrong...now that I am older, not the naive twenty-three year old I perfectly understand what my father was trying to teach me. Ladies, when you meet the man who is "the one" for you make no mistake you will love him with all of your heart, but yet and still somehow this man will manage to out-love you. No matter how much effort and care you put into the relationship and give him he will double it and you will never find yourself having a moment when you're wondering if he cares as much as you do because you will know that he does and that's "how you know he's the one".

"Don't just be black, be proud of it"~Lola C.

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to the graphics within this blog

HE LOVES ME NOT

Real Life

Following up on my last entry "Black Women: Ugly to the Bone" on Dr. Kanazawa's research about black women being genetically inferior when it comes to physical attraction I couldn't help, but wonder how far these negative presumptions about black women spanned. Much to my disdain I didn't have to look far for these negative connotations of black women, in fact I only needed to look at my own counterparts, black men. I rummaged through video after video on YouTube posted by black male vloggers ranting of their hatred for the black woman. One comment made by a vlogger whose web handle I can't recall stated that "the world views black women as confused whores".  Here's one example out of the many negative videos about black women from black men: (warning: there is adult content and some explicit language in this video)

Test of  Truth

I decided to run a quick and small experiment about the public's opinions on black women using the world wide web. I utilized Google by typing a simple phrase in the search box of Google's homepage. The phrase was "black women are..." and I allowed Google to show me suggestions according to what other people had already searched about black women beginning with the phrase "black women are.." and just to have something to compare my results with I also typed in "white women are..." to see if the results would be similar or completely different and here's what I've learned about how the world views black women:

 (These are  snapshot  reflections of what people search on Google and by no means a reflection on Google itself)

 Test Results

My rapid fire small experiment has shown that the public opinion of black women is that we are: 

• easy
• crazy    
• gross
• mean

While in comparison white women are viewed as:

• beautiful
• easy
• overrated
• the best  

Note: Notice that as it concerns black women there is not a single positive adjective that can be seen to describe them while in contrast white women have a few positive things searched about them.   

Fueling The Fire

 

What or who is responsible for the negative connotations of black women? Is it the media and entertainment that is affecting not only the way the world views us, but most importantly the way our black men view us? I.e. guilty pleasure shows like Basket Ball Wives where black women are portraying themselves as loud, promiscuous, and violent? Or is it the negatively misleading statistics about black women, i.e.: black women never getting married, being less desirable, having children out of wedlock at alarming rates...These are all statistics that try to show why black women are so unworthy and unwanted, but do you really believe everything you hear or see? I challenge my readers to look into these statistics and find out how the research was conducted and just how fair the damning of black women through statistical data and scientific study "truly" is.

Check out this link to gain some insight:  http://elegantblackwoman.blogspot.com/2011/03/misleading-statistics-about-black-women.html

Black Women Crucified

I've heard black men say time and time again whether on YouTube, radio, or TV that black women have "bad attitudes", "black women are angry", or "black women are too ghetto". I look around at the black women I've known in my life and wonder why is it that a few bad apples spoil the bunch -only- when it comes to black women. Black women are constantly crucified as if we're the only ones who are ever angry, overweight, on welfare, do any wrong, and then not only are we the only ones it's not just some of us these stereotypes are generalized about all black women. To add insult to injury we not only have to deal with the infliction of this pain from the world, but the very ones we expect to defend and protect us turn around and dismiss, belittle, and degrade us too.

Negative affects of black men publicly bashing black women:

• It shows the world that black people do not have a leader
• It's shows the world that there is no solidarity within the black race
• This teaches younger generations of blacks to devalue themselves
• It causes black women to feel insecure and unworthy of love
• It demonstrates the lack of self love, consequently leading to the destruction of functional black families.

Below is a short video trailer titled Why We Hate Black Women. I suggest watching it -fully- because it is a compilation of many short clips and if you should attempt to skip over sections you'll most likely miss the most intriguing moments in the video. It directly sums up what this topic is about without any sugarcoating the issue

 A Glance at Interracial Dating and Black Men

The popular opinion on black women's stance as it concerns interracial dating seems to be that black women are angry at white women for stealing our men. Tut-tut my little nuts, I beg to differ. I believe what angers black women about interracial dating is not the white women at all it's the black men and what they say about black women. Here are some points about what angers some black women about black men dating outside their race:

• From personal experience I can say that each time I've spoken to or listened to conversations about black men dating outside their race the reason is never solely because they love the woman they're with regardless of color. The reason they're with the woman of another races is always coupled with negative statements about black women, it's never "I with this woman because I love her" it's more of  I love this woman because I hate black women and can't deal with them; therefore I quit black women. That doesn't sit well with black women for obvious reasons.
• Secondly, in many instances black men will settle for less or should I say change their level of standards when it comes to dating a woman outside of their race. I'll utilize my husbands friend who shall be called John for example out of respect for his privacy...when John is interested in a black woman she has to be absolutely perfect from head to toe, physically, mentally, just perfect no flaw is acceptable which lead him to break up with black women consistently; however when it comes to a white woman she can be unattractive, uneducated, and unclean as long as she's not black it's acceptable because John is just so proud to have a chance with any white woman that she is incapable of having a flaw, she is perfection in his eyes.
• Lastly, what pinches the nerve of some black women where it concerns interracial dating is that as we can witness in the media and entertainment many black men seem to unconsciously feel that once you reach a certain level of accomplishment a black woman is no longer good enough and in order to know that he is a worthy man he must have as the Google search indicated "the best" woman, which in our society is projected as the white woman. It feels unfair to black women that they can be there for you to love you when you're a commoner, but not be your queen when you're royalty.

Check out a little of what Malcolm X had to say about black men as it relates to interracial relations near the end of the video below:

 

My Thoughts

 While I understand that the world in general has negative ideas about black people and even more so black women, it concerns me far more that black men would take the time out to dedicate YouTube channels and blogs solely to their hatred of black women. Are we not your daughters, mothers, sisters, and lovers? Are we not the same women made from your rib? If we come out of you and you are birthed through us then to hate us is to hate yourself black man. To see us as less then worthy is to see yourself as unworthy. We  cannot continue to progress if we don't love each other and create strong marriages and families. My hope is that we'll have a lot more black on black love and less separation merely because we feel our own counterparts aren't worth trying with or trying for. I would like to ask those black men who are doing these things to stop stepping over and on your black women, lift them up.  Nobody respects a man who doesn't protect his own.

Questions For Readers
Black men do you love black women, why or why not? Do you feel that black women are negatively viewed by black men and society? If yes or no, why? Why do you think there's a divide between black men and black women? Please share any of your thoughts and feelings below.

Recommendations: I'll be purchasing and doing a review of Hasani Pettford's book "Why We Hate Black Women: And Why We Should Love Them", so you may want to purchase it, borrow it, or check it out at your local library if it's available. I can't wait to get my hands on this book.

"Don't just be black, be proud of it"~Lola C.
disclaimer: I do not own the rights to any of the graphic media used within this blog.

BLACK WOMEN: UGLY TO THE BONE

Real Life

We've all heard the old adage that "Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone". Well, according to blogger and doctor, Satoshi Kanazawa black women are just ugly, but wait don't jump the gun in anger just yet. Kanazawa has done his research to prove this tidbit of sad truth about "science". Psychology Today ran an article by Kanazawa  in 2011 titled "A Look at the Hard Truths About Human Nature: Why are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?" (Oh no he di-int', in my Sheneneh voice). You can read Kanazawa's "research" here: https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:73-ha14VqBAJ:thesciencebitdotnet.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/kanazawa-text.pdf+Dr.+Satoshi+Kanazawa+piece:+%E2%80%9CWhy+Are+Black+Women+Less+Physically+Attractive+Than+Other+Women?%E2%80%9D&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESj87humruQySHxNkRRAN_2924Z8sfAhmTjKSIVfiBG9uCCCqJvbSgyLMLkmgXRyJJGgJ6sAmS_z974q7b49iuOFbkIm_eyb5qRditm6QoksRJI2mUOVrae27iaTFXX4n_-XzpN6&sig=AHIEtbS_eKL4NRGTV4RhUP3uZDMoqVPyHw

Satoshi Kanazawa's Research Findings 

• "...even though black women are objectively less physically attractive than other women, black woman (and men) subjectively consider themselves to be far more physically attractive than others...both black women and black men rate themselves to be far more physically attractive than other races."
• "What accounts for the markedly lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women? Black women are on average much heavier than non-black women."

• " Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races...women with higher testosterone also have more masculine features and are therefore less  physically attractive.." 

The Bottom Line: So What Is Kanazawa Really Saying?

1. Black people are arrogant, both black men and women although they are ugly see themselves as attractive.
2. Black women are ugly because we're all fat.
3. Black women have an increased level of the male hormone; therefore we look like men.
4. If you read the research in full you'll see that Kanazawa basically states that because black people are the first people of the Earth black women are the ugliest because we have the oldest genes.

Tell The Truth and Shame The Devil

I read this "research" and saw it as nothing more than hate speech wrapped up in a pretty box with a bow-tie on it and then called science. It stinks of racism, stereotypes, idiocy, and the racial bullying of the black woman. For a long time now I've known within our society that the black woman is ranked at the bottom of the totem pole of people and women. Black women are usually typecast as uneducated, angry, loose, domineering, loud, fat, violent, and lazy in the media and entertainment world. Which in turn spills over to peoples real life perceptions of black women.

The Paradox of Physical Attractiveness for Black Women

How is it possible that black women can be "objectively" seen as physically less attractive when our physiological features are more sought after than women of any other race?I.e. (Full lips, ample bottom, darker skin, hair styles etc). According to The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery Caucasians make up 81% of  the population who are getting procedures, while all other races only make up 19%, with black people at 6% for cosmetic procedures.

 Why?

Why is it that African features are attractive on other women, but when black women exhibit their own features it's no longer attractive? There's a paradox here (I.e. Jennifer Lopez's famous bottom, actress Bo Dereks famous cornrow hairstyle, Kim Kardashian's famous bottom and dark features, tanned skin...etc.)

• When a black woman has curves and a body, she's fat and overweight.
• When a black women wears an Afrocentric hairstyle, in the words of Don Imus (when he refered to some women basketball players) she's a "nappy headed hoe", but when women of other races do it they look exotic and have a bohemian style. Seriously?
• When black women have beautiful sun kissed skin and dark features, they're considered too black and ugly. (I.e. Howard Stern talking about "Precious" star Gaborie Sidbie: “There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen. She is enormous. Everyone’s pretending she’s a part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie. She should have gotten the Best Actress award because she’s never going to have another shot. What movie is she gonna be in.”) 
• Our hair styles are gorgeous, just not on us. Our voluptuous bodies are feminine, just not on us, dark skin is beautiful, just not on us. Everything about a black woman is beautiful as long as it's not a black woman. Right?

Sports Star Serena Williams

Reality Star Kim Kardashian

Singer Ciara

(Bottom Right Actress: Bo Derek)  Some pictures to demonstrate the styles of hair, skin, and body types that have been referenced as exceptionally beautiful on women of other races, but unattractive or unworthy of notability on black women..

A differing opinion on Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa's research topic "Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women"

My Thoughts...
The research that Kanazawa has conducted is flawed at best and hasn't a stub to stand on. This sounds like an easy way to slip in modern racism and the even bigger disappointment here is that Psychology Today actually allowed this to be published and then tried to explain it away, then apologize for it all before removing the article completely. This shouldn't even be a topic of discussion, much less a topic of educated discussion. I find black women to be beautiful and as Kanazawa himself said we are the first people, meaning to call us unattractive is to call your mother ugly, civilization was birthed from a black woman's womb, poetically speaking and scientifically speaking.

Questions For Readers
Do you feel there's any validity to Dr. Kanazawa's research? Do you think black women are unattractive or less attractive and why? Can this be considered a form of scientific/genetic racism? What are your thoughts about this topic?
Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to the photos or videos you see on my blog

Remember: "Don't just be black, be proud of it"~Lola C.

Excuse me, but Your Negro Is Showing: The Tale of the Negro Who Didn’t Know

Excuse me, but Your Negro Is Showing: The Tale of the Negro Who Didn’t Know

Black Person Defined

A person with dark skin who comes from Africa (or whose ancestors came from Africa). Source: wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Note to readers: For the propose of this blog entry “black person” is referencing the American societal categorization of a black people, no matter the ethnicity or nationality of origin based on visible physical features of African descent. In short the way American society views a persons physical characteristics as opposed to what the person identifies his/herself as.

(I.e.: On a job application in the race/ethnicity section you may be asked if you are –white, not of Hispanic origin, -white of Hispanic origin, -black of Hispanic origin, -black not of Hispanic origin, and so on.)  Simply because they want to know if you are Hispanic, which one are you black or white? Although all job applications will not ask race/ethnicity questions in the exact manner given in the example, many do.

Real Life Experience

I can recall a time when I was the Historian of the Black Student Union as a college sophomore. Doing my duties I went about campus to recruit members, but I didn’t get far before my excitement was stifled by a confused Negro. I say this not to call names and belittle the brother who was a black Hispanic, but as a means to describe my encounter with his state of mind. The conversation went something like…

Me: “Hi, I’m Lola would you like to be apart of the Black Student Union? We’re having an interest meeting today”

-Confused Negro: “No! (He makes a face of disgust) Why would you ask me that? I’m not black.”

Me: “But…yes, you are (my confusion showing on my face)”

-Confused Negro: “No, I’m not! I'm Puerto Rican! (he’s angry with me at this point) ”

Me: “OK, well thank for your time …bye??

The type of face the confused man made when I called him black. "I'm, not black."

Another instance I recollect a classmate of my Children and TV course getting into a heated debate about her beloved boyfriend when topics of race and ethnicity came up. She proudly declared that her boyfriend was not black, but Dominican. Needless to say she was dismayed to find out that the man she loved was absolutely, unequivocally black. To give a visualization of the man he was the hue of actor Wesley Snipes as well as having Negroid features such as a wider nose and coarse hair. Nothing about him said anything else other than black, which is fine; however his being from a Spanish speaking country had the young lady in denial about what was right in front her face on a daily basis.

Actor Wesley Snipes

 Media and Entertainment

There are black celebrities who are of Hispanic ethnicity; however while they wear their ethnicity with pride they continue to wear their race with pride as well. For example La La Anthony, TV personality and wife of NBA star Carmelo Anthony. She is a proud Latina, but will also proudly state that she is a black woman as well. Actress Rosario Dawson will also claim her black heritage and state in interviews that she is of Afro-Puerto Rican and Afro-Cuban descent as she did in Latina magazine. Then we have others who are obviously black by race although Hispanic by culture and ethnicity who all, but flat out deny being black. For example I was reading an interview in a popular black magazine, I think it was Essence. The star interviewee was Zoe Saldana who is a black Dominican and Puerto Rican actress. The interviewer made sure to note that as she was obviously about to inquire about race the actress (Zoe) quickly changed the topic, clearly not wanting to discuss it. The interviewer showed annoyance at Saldana's elusiveness about being a black Hispanic.

In “Latina” magazine Rosario Dawson noted her obvious black heritage once again Zoe Saldana made no mention of her race being black or any African heritage. By no means is this a personal attack on the beautiful Zoe. I loved her movie Columbiana, but it is a good example of something that can be witnessed time and time again in black culture. Not to mention that many black people have supported Zoe’s movies where she portrayed black characters i.e. The daughter of Bernie Mac in the Movie “Guess Who”, and Nick Cannons love interest in the movie “Drumline”. Why play a black character, enjoy black support and then fail to claim the same people who are your supporters? Is it OK to only be black when convenient for some celebrities?

Some lovely ladies from all Diasporas of Hispanic culture featured in Latina magazine including La La Anthony, Rosario Dawson, and Zoe Saldana

Why Does It Matter?

One might question “why should anyone care about who claims the black race?” It’s wonderful to embrace your culture and ethnicity with open arms rather you’re American, Haitian, or Cuban etc, but we must embrace all of ourselves, not just portions and pieces. You can be black and proud without feeling the need to hide under the guise of what society deems more acceptable. Denying our visible African ancestry not only eats away at the fabric of self love, but it inhibits others from gaining knowledge and love for those very same aspects of ourselves which we may deny to the public. In short if you don’t love the black in you, neither will anyone else. It starts with us.

While ethnicity may vary, race is not something one can just readily choose or opt in and out of at convenience (in American society). You simply are who you are. Nothing to argue, nothing to fight, it simply is.

Cuban women

What I Had To Learn

A friend made an excellent observation she basically reminded me that historically in many other places in the world as well in America some black people “still have an internal struggle”. The word black is automatically seen as offensive and insulting; even among people who are obviously black themselves. I call it an inferiority complex, some of us are still ashamed to admit to being who we are and take offense to an outsider who sees us for exactly who we are. We’ve had a long history of racial struggles in the world and are still having some, so the psychology behind the negative association with being a black person is understandable, but not excusable.  

                                                                                   Solution

Black Chinese

Let’s catch up together and show each other that though out of many nations we can still have unity, but in order to do that I realize we all need to take more time to educate ourselves about our brothers and sisters in other nations and their history. For example the black Chinese, black Mexicans, Haitians, etc. Just because you’re a black American doesn’t mean you should be free of understanding the struggles and history of black people in other countries and vice verse. It’s our duty to each other, so let’s learn together and teach each other

(Note: Research the black Chinese dynasty Xia Shang Zhou BC time period)

Questions for the Readers

Have you had any similar experiences with black people of varying ethnicity's denying their race? What do you feel is a solution to create more self love within the black race as a whole? If you are Hispanic and have been considered black, did it upset you and why? Your feedback is much appreciated and respected. Please no cursing in comments lets all respect each other.

(Disclaimer: I do not own any of the rights to these graphics on this blog)

 Remember: “Don’t just be black, be proud of it”~Lola C.