YAY OR NAY? SHACKING & EMPTY TITLES

Real Life

The slang definition of Shacking:

Shacking: a slang word meaning to move in or live with someone as a lover without being legally married.

Working in a male dominated field has allowed for some intriguing conversations about relationships amongst co-workers. Recently I was discussing with a group of about four of my male co-workers the pro and cons of co-habitation before marriage. It was an interesting debate, myself being the only woman and the only person who argued that it was not a good idea to live with someone before marriage, while all the men on the other hand felt that co-habitation prior to marriage was not only a positive thing, but should be a norm in today's society.  After moments of heated debate the men pulled in two additional co-workers both women in efforts to prove me wrong for being on the nay side of the argument. One woman was younger and agreed that co-habitation before marriage was ideal, she was on the yay side. An older woman agreed that shacking was possibly helpful, but only from and non-religious perspective, also stating that while it could be helpful she would still prefer to be married first.



The Yay Sayer Perspective: Why Premarital Co-habitation Is Positive
Though I'm against co-habitation prior to marriage I must be fair and present both sides of the argument, below are the points that my co-workers noted while debating on the yay side of shacking.

• Co-habitation allows you to know a person, to see how they conduct themselves daily before committing yourself to them for a lifetime.

• If the relationship is not working for a couple while living together they have more freedom to end the relationship.
• Some argue that co-habitation allows a couple to have the joys of marriage without the struggles of marriage because of a more carefree attitude and less pressure, due to the lack of  societal constraints and titles of husband and wife.

The Nay Sayer Perspective: Why Premarital Co-habitation Is Negative
To read the article where the quoted information below was taken from in it's entirety please refer to this link:  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html

• The co-habitation effect: occurs when couples who live together "tend to be less satisfied with their marriages and are more likely to divorce than couples who do not.
• "Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or the idea that co-habitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more open to divorce".
•  Shacking encourages "sliding not deciding", meaning that many couples who go from dating to living together say it just happened when asked how it occurred. They simply went from spending the night at their mates house to living at their mates house.
• Shacking depreciates the value of true commitment in a relationship by allowing a quick and easier exit than marriage whenever things aren't going according to plan.
• " Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment"
• "men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse." 

My Thoughts

I'm not judging anyone if they've decided to live together before marriage although I disagree with it; however I am making an observation that as we get evolve as an even more modern society we tend to do away with old values and ideals that would serve us well to keep. Just because something is seen as "old school" doesn't mean it no longer applies or is in your best interest, some rules can stand the test of time and I believe marrying before living together is one of them.

Living with someone increases your chances of having a child with that person and then not only will you be living with someone you're not married to you'll also be having a child out of wedlock, possibly with someone your relationship should have ended with a long time ago, but now you're stuck because you live together. I've known experiences where many women execute their wifely duties working, raising children, cooking, cleaning, etc.. while living as a girlfriend for years, acting as a wife, but not given the honor of having the same last name of the man she's with.

It seems there are more negative consequences than positives when it comes to premarital cohabitation. What works for one person may not work for the other but, as a married woman myself I can recall when my husband I were dating. I would cook from him -sparingly- and help him out around his house -sparingly-, but I made sure he knew I would not be spending nights at his house, doing his laundry, and cooking his meals on a regular basis. I jokingly, yet seriously let him know that he was getting a preview and in order to see the whole movie he would have to in the words of Beyonce' "put a ring on it". I allowed him to see that I would make a good and capable wife; however I would not act like a wife until I became a wife, nor did I allow him to call me his wife, prior to marriage...which brings me to another topic of Yay or Nay.

To Be Wifey or Not To Be Wifey? That Is The Question, Empty Titles

I'm an 80's baby and it's not uncommon while socializing or while on social networking websites to hear and see women refer to men who they are not married to as their husbands and men refer to women who they are not married or engaged to as their wives in this generation as well as younger generations. As a married person I find it to be an insult, not to myself, but to the constitution of marriage and how much it really means to be married and what it takes to have a healthy marriage. Many of the very same people who use husband and wife as pet names for each other would just as easily be here today and gone tomorrow if things became a bit rocky in their relationships. Now I'm not saying that if you're in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship with someone you aren't committed to them; however it doesn't hold a a candle to the commitment of marriage, which in today's society is taken lightly on many occasions.


Reader Questions

Do you think shacking up before marriage is a good idea or bad idea? Why or why not? Do you think it's ok to call someone your wife/husband if you're not married or engaged? Why or why not...What are your thoughts on these relationship topics?


Remember: "A man who finds a wife has found a good thing " ~Proverbs. Not a man who finds a girlfriend for life finds a good thing.